I found myself thinking of you today
Wishing you knew what you meant to me
Wishing you knew the hole in my heart that you created
They say that a brother is a girl’s first friend
If you only understood how true that was
At the tender age of nine our parents met and we became an instant family
A family of 6
I went from only child, to having 3 bratty brothers
All of whom I love dearly
But you and me, we clicked
Became thick as thieves
Where there was you, there was me
Holding each others hand as we navigated life
I remember stealing Dad’s cigarettes and smoking them down at the creek
You trying to teach me the proper technique
I thought you were so cool with your slicked back blonde hair and cigarette in your mouth
Remember when we got our licenses
Driving around in Mom’s Tracker with the top off, music blaring, thinking we were the shit
Never mind we lived in Hebron
The town with only 2 traffic lights and the coolest place to be on a Friday night was the Elementary
Or the night we dressed up in our Goth clothes and put makeup on our faces and took pictures in the back yard at 2am
I still have those pictures by the way
We looked ridiculous
But those were the happiest times of my childhood
I thought they made you happy too
But now that I can look back with wiser eyes
I realize you were empty even then
Looking for something to fill the void you had in your soul
At 12 it was Daddy’s cigarettes
At 16, Alcohol
And soon drugs followed
Now in our late 20’s
We went from best friends, to strangers
To you hating me, and me not knowing the crimes I committed
I wish I could draw you a map back to life
Back to the happiness you seek
I wish I could hold your hand while you find your way
But I cannot, you must find your own way
I find myself wandering your Facebook to see if you’re okay
Watching my nieces grow up through pictures on the Internet
They look just like you by the way
The day you said those words to me
Something died in my heart
That day I didn’t just lose my brother
I lost my best friend
I dream of the day I will get him back
The day I will see you smile or hear you laugh again
I will continue to dream of that day until we get you back
My brother