I Miss You

I found myself thinking of you today

Wishing you knew what you meant to me

Wishing you knew the hole in my heart that you created

They say that a brother is a girl’s first friend

If you only understood how true that was

 

At the tender age of nine our parents met and we became an instant family

A family of 6

I went from only child, to having 3 bratty brothers

All of whom I love dearly

But you and me, we clicked

Became thick as thieves

Where there was you, there was me

Holding each others hand as we navigated life

 

I remember stealing Dad’s cigarettes and smoking them down at the creek

You trying to teach me the proper technique

I thought you were so cool with your slicked back blonde hair and cigarette in your mouth

 

Remember when we got our licenses

Driving around in Mom’s Tracker with the top off, music blaring, thinking we were the shit

Never mind we lived in Hebron

The town with only 2 traffic lights and the coolest place to be on a Friday night was the Elementary

 

Or the night we dressed up in our Goth clothes and put makeup on our faces and took pictures in the back yard at 2am

I still have those pictures by the way

We looked ridiculous

 

But those were the happiest times of my childhood

I thought they made you happy too

But now that I can look back with wiser eyes

I realize you were empty even then

Looking for something to fill the void you had in your soul

 

At 12 it was Daddy’s cigarettes

At 16, Alcohol

And soon drugs followed

 

Now in our late 20’s

We went from best friends, to strangers

To you hating me, and me not knowing the crimes I committed

 

I wish I could draw you a map back to life

Back to the happiness you seek

I wish I could hold your hand while you find your way

But I cannot, you must find your own way

 

I find myself wandering your Facebook to see if you’re okay

Watching my nieces grow up through pictures on the Internet

They look just like you by the way

 

The day you said those words to me

Something died in my heart

That day I didn’t just lose my brother

I lost my best friend

I dream of the day I will get him back

The day I will see you smile or hear you laugh again

I will continue to dream of that day until we get you back

My brother

 

Advertisements

The World we Live In

What world we live in

When did the idea of love become foreign and hate so common?

You turn on the 5 o’clock news to see story after story of hate and violence

Stories of women being rapped and children being murdered

Madmen tearing apart towns with their killing sprees

And church’s holding signs that say, “God hates fags” all the name of God

Not sure who’s God that is, because he certainly isn’t mine

When did we lose our way?

When did it become okay to hate?

Why does love and acceptance take a back seat to hate and intolerance?

You see these are not the values instilled in me

I was taught to reach out my hand to help those in need

I was taught the Golden Rule “Treat others as you wish to be treated”

I was taught that no matter the color of our skin, the genital between our legs or our sexual orientation that we all bleed red and breath the same air

We all struggle and we all triumph

And that deserves respect

You see I have a dream for this country

I dream of a day where we no longer have to fight for equal rights

A country where we no longer have to fight to marry the one we love

Where a woman will receive the same pay as the man standing next to her

And a where a child will never have to go hungry again

I have a dream where one-day sexism and racism are only known in the history books

A day where my children will never have to fear because they are different

Maybe I am a dreamer, or maybe you can call me naïve but I refuse to believe that we as humans are evil

I choose to believe that some have lost their way and that you and me must show them the way

Because the world we live in, is simply not acceptable

You Are My Husband

You are logic, where I am emotion. You use your mind to solve problems, I use my heart.
You make sense while I babble on but yet you understand me
You are strong in body where I am weak
And when you wrap your arms around me, I feel so safe, and I know you will always protect me
I live my life in the clouds, and you live yours with your feet firmly planted on the ground. But yet, we always seem to meet in the middle
You are “Baby, let’s think this through before we do anything”
And I’m like “no, let’s just do it, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Speaking of “What’s the worst that could happen” You are never allowed to say that again to me
Because the last time you said that, you ended up in the ER with a blown knee, and me in the waiting room wishing it was me
Wishing it was my knee, because after all it wasn’t my dreams that needed it, it was yours
But yet when it was your dreams and your world that changed, you still made it about me. Making sure I was ok, making sure I never saw you cry.
Yet again, you were the strong one.
You know the clichés, you complete me, you are the air that I breathe, the other half to my soul
I never believed the cliché’s until there was you
Until I woke up one morning and you were there, smiling at me in a way only you can
Making me feel emotions I never knew existed
Making me feel alive again, giving me the strength to heal
You held my hand and soothed my tears as I faced the abuse
I survived the abuse alone, but now I can heal with you by my side
You offered me your strength until I could find my own, and for that I Thank You
You gave me my voice back, and for that I Thank You
When people look at you, they don’t see what I see
They don’t’ see the treasure beneath that rough exterior
They don’t see the man who is reduced to tears if one of our four legged children is hurt
Who will hold them in your arms until they are calm and their love meter is full. The man who will give up half his pillow at night so little Sterling can have his favorite spot to sleep.
The man who will fight for what he believes in even if no one supports him.
Who will fight the injustices of this world even if it doesn’t directly affect him, and your answer when asked why?
“If not me, then who?”
The man who can make anyone laugh, even if they are laughing at you. You got them to smile
The man who truly does enjoy the simple things in life
The way the sun dances on the ocean as it sets, the way the air smells when it’s about to rain or the quiet as you meditate
And you see, while I am completely enamored by you, I do see you are not as perfect as you seem
You leave the toilet seat up; I really hope you teach our sons better
You have this need to be right. Never mind that you actually are most of the time, but couldn’t you just let me win.
Just once?
You fart.
A lot.
You even fart in the car, in winter, with the windows up; making me want to throw myself out of the car going 70mphs just to get away from the death that was emitted from your ass.
The way you can dance around me in an argument until I don’t remember why I was angry in the first place. The way that you can remain calm, cool and collected even when we’re fighting. And the way you always make sense.
The way you see right through me, right to my very core. I can never hide anything from you, you know me better then I know myself.
Your insistent need to debate and ask life’s tough questions
You see, I don’t care why the sky is blue only that it is beautiful. I don’t care to know why the sun exists only that when I feel the rays upon my face I feel alive.
Again, I live my life in the clouds and you live yours on the ground. And that’s ok, because baby I love you.
I love you for all you do right
And I love you for all you do wrong
Because at the end, you complete me, you are the other half to my soul; you are the air that I breathe
You are my husband