I Miss You

I found myself thinking of you today

Wishing you knew what you meant to me

Wishing you knew the hole in my heart that you created

They say that a brother is a girl’s first friend

If you only understood how true that was

 

At the tender age of nine our parents met and we became an instant family

A family of 6

I went from only child, to having 3 bratty brothers

All of whom I love dearly

But you and me, we clicked

Became thick as thieves

Where there was you, there was me

Holding each others hand as we navigated life

 

I remember stealing Dad’s cigarettes and smoking them down at the creek

You trying to teach me the proper technique

I thought you were so cool with your slicked back blonde hair and cigarette in your mouth

 

Remember when we got our licenses

Driving around in Mom’s Tracker with the top off, music blaring, thinking we were the shit

Never mind we lived in Hebron

The town with only 2 traffic lights and the coolest place to be on a Friday night was the Elementary

 

Or the night we dressed up in our Goth clothes and put makeup on our faces and took pictures in the back yard at 2am

I still have those pictures by the way

We looked ridiculous

 

But those were the happiest times of my childhood

I thought they made you happy too

But now that I can look back with wiser eyes

I realize you were empty even then

Looking for something to fill the void you had in your soul

 

At 12 it was Daddy’s cigarettes

At 16, Alcohol

And soon drugs followed

 

Now in our late 20’s

We went from best friends, to strangers

To you hating me, and me not knowing the crimes I committed

 

I wish I could draw you a map back to life

Back to the happiness you seek

I wish I could hold your hand while you find your way

But I cannot, you must find your own way

 

I find myself wandering your Facebook to see if you’re okay

Watching my nieces grow up through pictures on the Internet

They look just like you by the way

 

The day you said those words to me

Something died in my heart

That day I didn’t just lose my brother

I lost my best friend

I dream of the day I will get him back

The day I will see you smile or hear you laugh again

I will continue to dream of that day until we get you back

My brother

 

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